Comments on: Our Birthdays http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/ Anyone else find childhood a little stifling these days? Thu, 09 Sep 2010 10:48:39 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.5.1 By: A. Berkoski http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-350 A. Berkoski Fri, 30 Nov 2007 18:17:14 +0000 http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-350 Our daughter turned two four days before your son turned one. I have had the luxury of staying at home with both our children (2, and 6 months) and it's the greatest gift I think I could have given them. But it is not without sacrifice in other areas. Namely, my own. As I struggle to balance both the children, the housework and a full college courseload, I find myself three quarters of the way between insanity and death. We all have guilt. Any choice still leaves "what might have been" out there to taunt you. Try not to let it when you remember that your children grow up and leave eventually and at the end of the day you have to find a way to honor yourself as well. Tenure track is for you and your life goals, a happy, safe, stable home is your gift to them. The fact you were able to give both, now that's a feat worth feeling good about. Be damned the guilt anyway. MMBF Our daughter turned two four days before your son turned one. I have had the luxury of staying at home with both our children (2, and 6 months) and it’s the greatest gift I think I could have given them.

But it is not without sacrifice in other areas. Namely, my own. As I struggle to balance both the children, the housework and a full college courseload, I find myself three quarters of the way between insanity and death.

We all have guilt. Any choice still leaves “what might have been” out there to taunt you. Try not to let it when you remember that your children grow up and leave eventually and at the end of the day you have to find a way to honor yourself as well. Tenure track is for you and your life goals, a happy, safe, stable home is your gift to them. The fact you were able to give both, now that’s a feat worth feeling good about.

Be damned the guilt anyway.
MMBF

]]> By: candace http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-207 candace Sat, 10 Nov 2007 04:17:41 +0000 http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-207 first of all, 36 really isn't that bad! and i know what you mean about the guilt. Although I do feel that thing 2 will one day see the work you do and his pride will be bigger than anything he could've gotten from daily overated mommy and me classes. I too, look back with guilt. My 2nd child was being cared for by a woman in the throes of PPD. He deserved better. He will never know how much I love him for being there for me during that time. But isn't it supposed to be the other way around? first of all, 36 really isn’t that bad!
and i know what you mean about the guilt. Although I do feel that thing 2 will one day see the work you do and his pride will be bigger than anything he could’ve gotten from daily overated mommy and me classes.
I too, look back with guilt. My 2nd child was being cared for by a woman in the throes of PPD. He deserved better. He will never know how much I love him for being there for me during that time. But isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?

]]> By: blue milk http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-202 blue milk Fri, 09 Nov 2007 13:36:42 +0000 http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-202 Oh it's a hard road for working (outside the home) mothers isn't it? I am pleased for you that you're about to commence a better balance in your work and home arrangements and I am sad for you that your previous arrangements have been weighing so heavily on you. It just isn't fair, it isn't fair that this is the price of motherhood in this age. It shouldn't be this way. By the way I think you've come up with a really wonderful way forward. Oh it’s a hard road for working (outside the home) mothers isn’t it? I am pleased for you that you’re about to commence a better balance in your work and home arrangements and I am sad for you that your previous arrangements have been weighing so heavily on you.

It just isn’t fair, it isn’t fair that this is the price of motherhood in this age. It shouldn’t be this way.

By the way I think you’ve come up with a really wonderful way forward.

]]> By: radical mama http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-195 radical mama Thu, 08 Nov 2007 23:18:47 +0000 http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-195 I can hear the pain in your writing, and I am sorry that you are feeling so anxious. A new daycare situation may be all the reassurance that you need. I hope things get better. And, as everyone else has said, you are doing great things for your family. We all do our best, and that's all we CAN do. :) PS: I stay home with my kids and I still can't find the time to do fun craft projects! I can hear the pain in your writing, and I am sorry that you are feeling so anxious. A new daycare situation may be all the reassurance that you need. I hope things get better. And, as everyone else has said, you are doing great things for your family. We all do our best, and that’s all we CAN do. :)

PS: I stay home with my kids and I still can’t find the time to do fun craft projects!

]]> By: Redstar http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-190 Redstar Thu, 08 Nov 2007 03:12:06 +0000 http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-190 Happy Birthday!!! As a woman raised by a single working mom - with much help from aunts, child care providers, and dad - I agree with most of the commenters here - you're a role model to your kids, your commitment to them is obvious, and the latter is paramount and will be remembered by them. I def. spent a good portion of my childhood in the car, as my mom took me everywhere with her, part by necessity, part by choice. You do what you can, and it sure sounds like you're doing GREAT!!!! Happy Birthday!!! As a woman raised by a single working mom - with much help from aunts, child care providers, and dad - I agree with most of the commenters here - you’re a role model to your kids, your commitment to them is obvious, and the latter is paramount and will be remembered by them. I def. spent a good portion of my childhood in the car, as my mom took me everywhere with her, part by necessity, part by choice. You do what you can, and it sure sounds like you’re doing GREAT!!!!

]]> By: Must be Motherhood http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-189 Must be Motherhood Wed, 07 Nov 2007 21:16:18 +0000 http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-189 I'm late in the game here, but I agree that you shouldn't beat yourself up. 9 weeks is definitely painfully early, but that you're the type of mother who cherishes his simple (and amazing) baby ways says to me that ALL the time you have had together has been quality time. I do believe that's what your baby picks up on. And goodness, to have a college prof mom who puts in the work time now so that she's able to spend the bonding time later with the child who will be old enough to remember, is just about the coolest position to be in! I’m late in the game here, but I agree that you shouldn’t beat yourself up. 9 weeks is definitely painfully early, but that you’re the type of mother who cherishes his simple (and amazing) baby ways says to me that ALL the time you have had together has been quality time. I do believe that’s what your baby picks up on. And goodness, to have a college prof mom who puts in the work time now so that she’s able to spend the bonding time later with the child who will be old enough to remember, is just about the coolest position to be in!

]]> By: mom http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-188 mom Wed, 07 Nov 2007 02:51:36 +0000 http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-188 Ah! And who says the internet is isolating! Thank you all, really. It helps. It is, as so many of you allude, an insanely complicated thing. It isn't that I wish I were at home full time. This is my choice and it's a luxury to get to choose at all. So, I don't feel guilty for working per se - I love work, and from a family perspective it takes me away but also affords us nice opportunities that are campus related -- opportunities to live abroad, wonderful events, and that gold star -- free college tuition! But I do wish I could work a little less to have better balance (post-tenure, it has such great flexibility, I just need to hold on!). But I could have handled this challenge far better had it not been for the abrupt return to work (the semester started, it didn't seem to care if I had a baby) and the lackluster care provider. I will feel like a new woman to have him in the new situation, just knowing he is getting the quality care he deserves. I love the nanny we hired! Of course, this nanny isn't Not The Mama, but we can't all be so lucky ;-) MGM--TWO weeks. Oh my word - I don't know how you stayed awake during your own lectures. Marjorie -- special thanks. It was a hard post to write. It felt good to be felt. Thanks again to every one of you - just for commenting. Ah! And who says the internet is isolating! Thank you all, really. It helps.

It is, as so many of you allude, an insanely complicated thing. It isn’t that I wish I were at home full time. This is my choice and it’s a luxury to get to choose at all. So, I don’t feel guilty for working per se - I love work, and from a family perspective it takes me away but also affords us nice opportunities that are campus related — opportunities to live abroad, wonderful events, and that gold star — free college tuition! But I do wish I could work a little less to have better balance (post-tenure, it has such great flexibility, I just need to hold on!).

But I could have handled this challenge far better had it not been for the abrupt return to work (the semester started, it didn’t seem to care if I had a baby) and the lackluster care provider. I will feel like a new woman to have him in the new situation, just knowing he is getting the quality care he deserves. I love the nanny we hired! Of course, this nanny isn’t Not The Mama, but we can’t all be so lucky ;-)

MGM–TWO weeks. Oh my word - I don’t know how you stayed awake during your own lectures.

Marjorie — special thanks. It was a hard post to write. It felt good to be felt.

Thanks again to every one of you - just for commenting.

]]> By: mad grad mom http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-187 mad grad mom Tue, 06 Nov 2007 22:44:57 +0000 http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-187 What a lovely post! I am completely with you on the guilt about staying home. My son was not planned, so when I gave birth, I was in the middle of the semester. Well, two weeks into the spring semester. I was able to take three and a half weeks of maternity leave, but that was only from teaching duties. I ended up going back to classes two weeks after he was born. Even though my husband and I were both students and able to manage our schedules so that one of us was home while the other was in classes until he was 15 months, I hated that I was so stretched and pulled by my new motherhood, my teaching responsibilities, and my student obligations. Undeniably, the flexibility we had in our schedules in those early days was a blessing and put us in a better position than lots of people, I felt that I couldn't be the best mother I could be because of all my commitments. I know, now, that I have always been the best mother I could be because I have his best interests in mind at all times, even when I decide I have to take some time to work. Good for you for planning on some extra time alone with him. I hope it gives you the comfort you're looking for! What a lovely post!

I am completely with you on the guilt about staying home. My son was not planned, so when I gave birth, I was in the middle of the semester. Well, two weeks into the spring semester. I was able to take three and a half weeks of maternity leave, but that was only from teaching duties. I ended up going back to classes two weeks after he was born.

Even though my husband and I were both students and able to manage our schedules so that one of us was home while the other was in classes until he was 15 months, I hated that I was so stretched and pulled by my new motherhood, my teaching responsibilities, and my student obligations. Undeniably, the flexibility we had in our schedules in those early days was a blessing and put us in a better position than lots of people, I felt that I couldn’t be the best mother I could be because of all my commitments. I know, now, that I have always been the best mother I could be because I have his best interests in mind at all times, even when I decide I have to take some time to work.

Good for you for planning on some extra time alone with him. I hope it gives you the comfort you’re looking for!

]]> By: Not the Mama http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-186 Not the Mama Tue, 06 Nov 2007 22:04:18 +0000 http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-186 I'm so sorry you are feeling sad and guilty right now. I know you don't want platitudes, but I honestly believe that just the fact that you obviously care so much proves that Thing2 is getting a great start in life. He has a mom who is smart and thoughtful and will teach him about the delicate balance of professional and personal commitments. And I'm so glad to hear that you fired his daycare provider. I don't know the story behind that, but I'm so sensitive when it comes to less-than-wonderful childcare providers. I firmly believe that having a nanny or childcare provider can be GOOD for a child. How can it be a bad thing for them to have someone else who loves them? But it makes me ill to think about those who do the job without taking it seriously. If you just want a job where you punch in and punch out and don't use your brain, go work retail or something. Don't work with children. Because they aren't easy -- they need love and structure and stimulation. /end rant Anyway, whatever the situation, you obviously weren't satisfied, so I'm glad it won't be an issue anymore. I'm so happy for you that you were able to rearrange things so that you can spend more time with him. And I hope that your new day care situation is wonderful. I’m so sorry you are feeling sad and guilty right now. I know you don’t want platitudes, but I honestly believe that just the fact that you obviously care so much proves that Thing2 is getting a great start in life. He has a mom who is smart and thoughtful and will teach him about the delicate balance of professional and personal commitments.

And I’m so glad to hear that you fired his daycare provider. I don’t know the story behind that, but I’m so sensitive when it comes to less-than-wonderful childcare providers. I firmly believe that having a nanny or childcare provider can be GOOD for a child. How can it be a bad thing for them to have someone else who loves them? But it makes me ill to think about those who do the job without taking it seriously. If you just want a job where you punch in and punch out and don’t use your brain, go work retail or something. Don’t work with children. Because they aren’t easy — they need love and structure and stimulation. /end rant

Anyway, whatever the situation, you obviously weren’t satisfied, so I’m glad it won’t be an issue anymore. I’m so happy for you that you were able to rearrange things so that you can spend more time with him. And I hope that your new day care situation is wonderful.

]]> By: Academama http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-185 Academama Tue, 06 Nov 2007 14:55:22 +0000 http://outside-the-toybox.com/our-birthdays/2007/11/05/#comment-185 Adding to what "Secret Ingredient" said, I like to think that part of H's fearlessness comes from having watched me do whatever I need to do to care for her, make our daily lives comfortable (in the sense that I don't have to go flip burgers in the evening), and ultimately fulfill my own goals as well. I hope that I demonstrate to both my girls that motherhood isn't the only thing that defines me, and that my family and my career work together to make me extremely happy (most days). Happy birthday to both of you!! And keep all those great ideas from Family Fun! You'll make them happen...maybe not all of them, and maybe not every day, but they'll happen :) Adding to what “Secret Ingredient” said, I like to think that part of H’s fearlessness comes from having watched me do whatever I need to do to care for her, make our daily lives comfortable (in the sense that I don’t have to go flip burgers in the evening), and ultimately fulfill my own goals as well. I hope that I demonstrate to both my girls that motherhood isn’t the only thing that defines me, and that my family and my career work together to make me extremely happy (most days).

Happy birthday to both of you!! And keep all those great ideas from Family Fun! You’ll make them happen…maybe not all of them, and maybe not every day, but they’ll happen :)

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