outside the (toy) box

Dear Santa-

I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while, but I went through this whole disillusionment thing when I found out that you didn’t exist.  Life had no meaning.  My parents had been lying to me and when I uncovered the sham and started to grieve for you, then bam bam bam down came the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny too.  It was

just

too

much.

Anyway, I have seen enough pro-Santa propaganda films lately, that it has occurred to me that maybe my Mother was actually lying about the whole no-such-thing-as-Santa thing just to get credit for your presents (snap!) and maybe you stopped coming because I just didn’t believe.

So, I’m here, and I’m giving believing one more chance. 

Here are some wishes I’d like you to consider. 

(If they sound like I’ve confused you with God, well, you might be right — skepticism, disillusionment, uncertainty, hope — that all applies to him (her) too.  No offense to you or to God.)

1. I would like the self confidence to finish my book.  Right now I plod through like a snail making tiny blips of progress day by day in a very thinly veiled subconscious attempt to avoid failing by not actually writing much, however, this is essentially the only approach that guarantees failure and I’m the only one who doesn’t seem to know this approach is counter productive.  Slap me if you must, but I need a fire under my butt.

2. I would also like to worry less about my kids and enjoy them more.  If I invested half the energy I put into worrying about them into just being with them, we’d be having a lot more great time together and I’d have less to worry about.  (Are you noticing a trend — I create problems by trying to avoid them - what a dipshit).

3. I would like a new winter coat in a vivid color.  There is a bright yellow one at J.Crew that would do quite nicely.  (Just in case you are really, really real, I need an 8 petite) Sorry to be all materialist, but much like the turkey hat, I just think I’ll feel better if I walk through winter shining like the sun.

4. I would like more time.  I’m pretty sure that if you could allow me to either survive without sleep or would be willing to give me 5 extra hours a day that no one would know about, that I would be so much more balanced.  At the very least, I’d certainly have better flossing habits.

5. Don’t ever let my daughter ask me if she’s pretty again.  When she asked this weekend, I told her she was beautiful only to slide into internal ick. Why did she ask? Has my fear of emphasizing personal appearance come at the expense of complimenting her?  She couldn’t already (at 4!) feel insecure about her appearance, could she?  Fucking Princesses and Barbies and Bratz.  If one more person asks me what the big deal is - I’ll freak.  See the answer here - just scroll down to “the differences in the stories we tell our kids.”  Worry worry worry.  Shit.  Please see #2 above.  This is apparently a high priority item.

6. I would also like more time to create.  Playlists, collages, photo books, forts, funny games, terrible songs** — anything.  I want to PLAY.  Set me free.

7. I would also like a new president. Pretty much anyone (nowhere to go but up).  Please let the new one help us not look like such complete idiots globally and please let him or her have a teensy weensy social justice orientation, but of course not actually be concerned enough about the little guy to be unelectable.  God forbid someone actually want to fix anything — they’re doomed.

8. I would like you to have scientists discover that cheese, bread, chocolate, and butter are the new “superfoods.” 

9. I would like to see Walmart, Starbucks, Toys R Us, and the Gap replaced with quirky, colorful, small businesses.  I would like the cost of things to go up a little and for the right reasons, so I don’t have to feel ill wondering how on earth my kids turtlenecks can really be on sale for less than $3.00.  How exactly does one grow, harvest, and process cotton, design a shirt, sew the shirt, ship the shirt, market the shirt, and bag it for $3.00?  For Pete’s sake — it’s no fun to bargain hunt knowing how this crap is made.  And when I asked Global Exchange for a list of better producers that I could share with my students, all they could offer was “buy vintage.”   

10. I would also like Thing 2 to outgrow his peanut allergy and his egg allergy.  I want him to enjoy spontaneity in his life — not have to worry to stray from the beaten path.  If he doesn’t outgrow them, then may he enjoy other spontaneous delights (the safe ones, anyway, I direct you again to see # 2 above) – like streaking.

11. Let Disney use their power for good not evil.  Can you imagine if every crappy female character were replaced with someone admirable — bold, sassy, strong, clever, funny, kind, and courageous?  Wow.  If they can’t grow a feminist lens, then at least be kind enough to wipe them off the face of the planet in some painful way.

Love,

Me.

PS I would also like happiness, world peace, cures for AIDS and cancer, and a newly tolerant populace.

** You probably didn’t know that I’m an incredibly accomplished lyricist. Well, I am. For example, in my house there is a song for every vegetable on earth.  We sing when the kids eat said foods.  My personal favorite is The Asparagus Song (sing veeery loudly and patriotically to the tune of America the Beautiful).

Asparagus, asparagus, I slather butter on thee.

I love your crowns.  I gobble them down.

(crescendo) And then have STINKY PEEEEEEE.

If you like that (and why would you?) you should hear the edamame song.  It’s to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease.  Or the carrot song to “Angel of the Morning” (what - you FORGOT Juice Newton?!).  Broccoli, string beans (that one has an accompanying dance), you name it. Maybe I’ll sell my veggie songs on etsy.  My kids do love veggies.  If I could get financial security and personal fulfiullment from selling vegetable songs, I wouldn’t have to write my book.  Etsy shop coming soon.

PS If you won my bloggy fun contest and don’t send me your actual address TODAY to my 3 letter screen name at symbol outside-the-toybox.com, I consider the terms null and void